Relationship Type 4 with Type 4 — The Enneagram Institute
Everybody's got those kind of conflicts, but at Point 4, working through isn't a luxury but . Enneagram books always make the withdrawal sound like something we Sixes are interesting types, but I never know how the relationship is going to go. isn't on the list of the Seven Deadly Sins, although one wonders, why not?. Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist) Fours and Sevens bring to their relationship the charge and mystery of their differences—that they think so differently. 4. THE INDIVIDUALIST Enneagram Type Four. The Sensitive, Introspective Type: Expressive Type Four in Brief . I have had a trail of relationship disasters.
Fours bringing a sense of depth and interiority, while Sevens contribute a sense of fun and emotional resilience. Potential Trouble Spots or Issues Because they are so different in many ways, Fours and Sevens must have several strong points of attraction or else they will likely miss connecting with each other.
Unless some strong passion romantic, mental, or spiritual keeps them together, they are likely to fly apart if there are any deep disagreements or conflicts early in the relationship.
Both types tend to be impulsive and to be easily frustrated with others when they are disappointed or if their life circumstances do not go as they expect. Both have high expectations for the kind of attention and quality of interactions they want from others, and if they are not forthcoming, both tend to not give others too many second chances to prove themselves.
While Fours may admire and even secretly envy the Seven's resilience and high energy, they may also find themselves worn down by their fast-paced lives and what feels to Fours like the Seven's relentless plans and activities.
Fours can see Sevens as too noisy, superficial, and insensitive-and occasionally coarse and insulting without realizing it. On the other hand, Sevens may admire and try to imitate the Four's artistic flair, creativity, and appreciation of subtlety and beauty. But Sevens can also see Fours as hypersensitive, ineffectual, impractical, moody, and self-absorbed. His actual abilities, while not poor, became sources of shame. In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others.
But underneath the surface, they still feel uncertain about who they really are. The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions.
Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature—that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them.
Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives. Leigh is a working mother who has struggled with these difficult feelings for many years.
I have had a trail of relationship disasters. I went years without joy in my life, just pretending to smile because real smiles would not come to me. I have had a constant longing for whatever I cannot have.
One day, the dog found a bone, carried it to a safe spot, and started gnawing away. The dog was so hungry that it chewed on the bone for a long time and got every last bit of nourishment that it could out of it. After some time, a kind old man noticed the dog and its pathetic scrap and began quietly setting food out for it. But the poor hound was so attached to its bone that it refused to let go of it and soon starved to death. Fours are in the same predicament. As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities.
To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity as a suffering victim and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity their Basic Fear.
Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true—or at least it is not true any more. The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: At some point, there can be a need for them to turn inward, and to deepen emotionally especially after they grow weary of the exterior life. If this couple is able to mature and deepen their relationship especially at mid-life, they can continue to be together for the long-term.
Type Three with Type Four: The Romantic In the article on the Type Four, I wrote about this combination, and now I will continue with some of the challenges of the relationship. Fours overvalue the emotional life while the Threes undervalue it. Type Three with Type Five: The Observer As I wrote in the article on the Type Five, this attraction of opposites seems to work well for these two types. The most typical arrangement is of the Three becoming the social organizer for the couple.
The Performer sifts through the messages and invitations, and then consults with the Observer in private, before conveying their decisions to others. Home life can develop into a place where they follow their separate interests, but then come together for meals and family time.
This couple can get into a cyclical pattern where the Five finally speaks up when the Three has become over-involved in work and interests outside the home, leaving the Five alone too much. Then the Three reduces their workload to keep the peace for a time, and then begins to slip back into working overtime again.
The Five can then sulk and withhold comfort, presence and even sex to get the attention of the Three. The Three can then respond by working more to numb their feelings, hoping that the problem will resolve on its own. This couple can benefit the most by sitting down, and negotiating mutual commitments so that they can feel more understood by the other.
In time, the Five can learn to enjoy the pleasures of a social life, and Threes can welcome the chance to spend quiet times together. Type Three with the Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic As I wrote under the Type Six, these two types are not found together very often in a romantic relationship.
Their success seems to depend on resolving the issue of performance and performance anxiety. For them, public image feels like a set-up where you can be ridiculed and attacked for being too visible.
They could certainly learn a lot from each other if they are both willing to acknowledge their different views. Type Three with the Type Seven: Sevens can avoid pain and rationalize any failures by visualizing the future.
Both types also tend to disappear when their public image is questioned: Threes by changing their image, and telling partial truths while Sevens switch options, and rationalize the change. They can conspire to let each other do what they want rather than working with each other as allies in personal growth.
A mature couple can learn to face their anxieties rather than burying them in activities, and when they do, Threes can step up to the plate, and take on the challenge of improving the relationship.
From their side, Sevens can bring pleasure to the relationship which can be liberating for a Three who can be overly focused on work and achievement in the world. Type Three with Type Eight: The Protector The biggest challenge for this couple is when they are faced with a failure, but this can also lead to their biggest breakthrough. Three-Eight couples mention that adversity helped them to lean on one another.
Performers find that the Protectors are loyal to them as people even when scandal occurs, and their public image is shattered. The Eight is often surprised by the Three who can save the day in an out-of-control emergency. In a healthy relationship, they can both be confidants for one another. This couple easily joins in activity and action, but the areas of feeling and being are new territory for them, and worth exploring.
Type Three with Type Nine: The Mediator Under the Type Nine, I wrote about the positive attributes of this couple, and now I will address some of the challenges. The Nine can then feel stuck, trying to come up with different solutions to their situation. An interesting outcome of this search for identity is that Nines often discover that they really did choose this life without having to change careers or partners.
They then can often re-commit to the relationship with a deeper love and understanding of the other. Having written a book on the Type Four, I covered many of the gifts and the challenges of the Romantic in relationships.
The Romantics long for relationships with a soulmate, but at the same time, they can distance and pull away from the relationship. Fours have a push-pull habit in relationships, and can go through this cycle of relating with one person for a long time.
For the Four, the relationship that they are currently in can seem pale in comparison with the promise of an absent lover. They feel that their happiness lies elsewhere with this distant lover, but when they meet up with this idealized partner, then they often begin to push and pull away from them as well, and so the cycle continues. The Four grows in awareness when they can stay with a partner past the infatuation stage, and really see them for who they are, and accept them without pushing them away.
The Four needs a partner who can stay strong and stable when they begin their relationship dance. They are helped by a partner who sees the good in the here and now; and who can be an anchor during their intense emotional tides.
A Love Story of Past Livesone of the leading characters, Danielle is a classic Romantic, swept up in a romance with a distant and often unavailable partner, Roberto, who seems to be a Type Five, The Observer. Type Four with Type One: The Perfectionist These two types can be a mirror for one another. This relationship can introduce the Ones to a life of feelings rather than their usual black and white thinking.
It can look like self-indulgence to the One. In retaliation, the Four can point out to the One what is missing in them.
The Ones can also begin to see that Romantics can be true companions during times of emotional pain. Romantics can also be drawn to the emotional steadiness and practicality of the Perfectionists. This can be exactly what the Four needs — someone they can depend on in stormy times.
Type Four with Type Two: The Giver This relationship really captures the dance of intimacy. Both partners can have a push-pull pattern.
Enneagram in Relationships
It makes for quite a romantic tango. Each does appreciate the other for their depth of feeling. At last, they feel that someone can meet them emotionally. They are only partnered in a dance of emotional distancing because they are each afraid of commitment. The dance is complete when the partners agree to commit to each other. With commitment, the push-pull pattern can end. This relationship also has a feeling of a mirror because they both can express the qualities of the other in their own lives.
Type Four with Type Three: The Performer This couple can be overly focused on image, and the attention that they receive from other people.
Performers want respect for achievement, and Romantics need to be seen as special and unique. This couple usually presents well in public, often adopting a lifestyle that emanates a successful elegance. Early on in the relationship, the Performer can be drawn to the inner drama of the Romantic as a counterpart to their own desire for public recognition. Fours can feel that they never get enough attention from the Three, leaving them to focus on what is missing in the relationship; and so the dance continues.
For this high profile couple, keeping up the image could be what keeps them together. They are a rare couple even though Romantics love to hang out together and become best friends. The best friend status is usually supported by a common interest such as a love of opera, a favorite cause, or a shared belief system. Best friends can also be more open with each other than their romantic partners, since Fours often believe that revealing a flaw to a significant other could result in abandonment.
Double Fours share their attraction to intensity that can be evoked by the beauty of the world, by tenderness, and by experiencing the depths of emotion. A good relationship encompasses all these aspects for this couple. They may also elevate the search for a fulfilling relationship to incredibly high standards.
A real relationship can become like an artistic achievement for this couple. Their romantic needs can be highly idealized while an intimate relationship cannot be forever in bliss. On the high side, this couple can keep the spark alive for a lifetime. Type Four with Type Five: The Observer Under the article on Type Fives, I wrote about this relationship, and now, I will share more insights about these two types together.
Despite their obvious differences, these two share a worldview that is filled with meaning, and symbolism.
On Being a Four - Enneagram Monthly
Both would agree that there are principles and keys of hidden meaning that operate beneath the surface of ordinary events. It is this agreement that could draw them to one another.
The sense that real life is more than just superficial appearances connects these two in how they see the world very differently from mainstream society. Boundary issues are common with this couple. Fives want to conserve energy, and will protect themselves by controlling time spent with others.
Romantics want to be with their beloved, and need the attention of a lover. Observers can find excuses to limit communication, and refuse to be touched. The more the Four reaches out, the more the Five can withdraw, having a different idea of what relationship is about. It helps when both partners work out the right degree of contact with one another.
Commonly, the couple can fall into a half-distant relationship which can serve the needs of both partners when they take the time to meet one another in the middle.
Type Four with the Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic In the article on the Type Six, I wrote about this combination, and now I will continue with some of the challenges of the relationship. In a down moment, they can each blame the other for feeling low self-esteem.
The Romantic may wonder if this is right partner for them, and the Loyal Skeptic can be filled with doubt about the future of the relationship. This couple often reports frequent breakups and reunions because a mutual blaming causes mutual mistrust. Fours squirm when their flaws are exposed, and Sixes want steadfast support even when they fail.
Romantics can become difficult in a crisis, refusing to see their own flaws, and making the other wrong for their views. The Loyal Skeptic will then react by arguing against whatever position the partner thinks is important, and pushing them away in the process.
It helps when each partner can back down to reaffirm their commitment to one another, and to see through their own ambivalence about intimacy. Type Four with the Type Seven: The Epicure In the article on the Type Seven, I wrote about this couple, and now I will focus more on the challenges of the relationship.
Epicures have a hard time being present when things get difficult because they would rather be pursuing a more pleasant activity. Sevens crave experience, and a Four who wants the relationship will have to participate in some of their activities. The partners can argue about how to deal with loaded issues. Fours can become unhappy when they hold their feelings back, and Sevens are afraid to go deep into their emotions.
With some counseling support, this couple could learn a lot from each other. It just depends if they are able to look past the differences, and to see what they do have in common.
Type Four with Type Eight: The Protector Under the Type Eight, I wrote about this intense couple, and now, I will share more of the insights of these two types together.
In their relationship, they can actually help each other by just being themselves. An Eight usually prefers the company of a Four when they are upbeat, but if they become depressed, the Eight may disappear to go find a good time elsewhere, leaving the Four feeling ignored. This can then trigger the Four to get angry which could break their depression.
If depression is anger turned inward, then an Eight could be the best remedy to help the Four express their anger. If the Four can shift their need for attention from the Eight to a project that they both share together, then both partners can feel needed, and supported.
Type Four with Type Nine: The Mediator In the article on the Type Nine, I wrote about this couple combination, and now, I will address more of their challenges in relationship. Romantics crave intensity, and with the Mediator, they could feel like they are going to sleep rather than experiencing a deep authentic love. Craving an awakening through love, the Fours want to experience the depths of love from the acute attraction to the smoldering passion.
The Nine can sense the feelings of the Four, and in good times, can step up to the plate, but in other situations, they can disappear energetically, keeping busy with mundane activities.
This couple can also benefit from having their own interests. When they each have their own personal purpose, then they can often come back together with renewed interest in their shared time as a couple.
Disengaging thought from feeling is how they protect themselves. Making a commitment to another person infringes on their independence. Suddenly, they can be touched, seen and loved by another. And it can be a very scary place for them to be. In a relationship with a Five, you need to be the active partner.
You need to be the one to initiate, and reach out to them. After a great evening out, you may experience a lengthy silence from them. Without consciously being aware that they pull away, the Five needs time to withdraw and think.
A Love Story of Past Lives, one of the main characters, Roberto, exhibits some of these characteristics — the distancing, the lack of emotion at times, and the challenge to commit to another. Type Five with Type One: The Perfectionist These two types can look a lot alike. Both are very independent, like to work alone and both value emotional control. The Five and One can have a very practical relationship where work, projects and a well-organized family life are most important.
The challenge is that neither partner wants to express anger, so at times, important subjects are not addressed. They can both dance around intimacy; and yet when they do open up to one another, they could find a soulmate who understands them like no other.
Type Five with Type Two: The Giver This couple is certainly an attraction of the opposites. Five is the most withdrawn of the Enneagram types, and a Two spends most of their time reaching out to others. Twos are attracted to the self-possession and quiet nature of the Five. The Five can feel restful and steady to the engaging Two. Their willingness to engage with life and activity can be compelling to the Five.
The Two can take on the social role for the couple, and often speaks for the Five until a more intellectual topic comes up which then draws the Five into the conversation. In a healthy long-term relationship, Observers can learn how to meet their partner, how to stay in the room when it feels emotionally uncomfortable and how to deal with feelings rather than always withdrawing to think about them.
Type Five with Type Three: The Performer Threes usually see themselves as extroverted, and most Fives fit the profile of the classic introvert. Performers show their affection by giving time and energy to a relationship which fits the needs of a reclusive partner. Nonverbal understandings seem to work well for this couple.Enneagram Type 4 (Enneagram 4w5/ Enneagram 4w3) - Integration to a 1
Given a mutual attraction, the Performer will move ahead unless opposed, and the Observer commits them self by their presence. They can learn to work well together with some negotiation and compromise. Type Five with Type Four: The Romantic This is a connection that I can understand. Being a Four with a Five wing, I can spend a lot of time alone, and be quite content.
I have also had quite a few Romantic friends with partners who are Observers, and in most cases, the relationship appears to be very satisfying for both.
The differences between the two are in the ways that they can spend their time alone. The Five can live in their own intellectual world which can be quite devoid of emotions, whereas the Four is very attuned to the fluctuations of mood. The heart and mind are very different organs of perception, and sometimes, the two can feel misunderstood by the other.
The Double Observers Two Fives can create some fascinating relationship stories. When I worked in the San FranciscoBay area, I knew a couple that had met recently — the man was from Brazil, and his new companion was from France.
They had met overseas, and she came to America to be with him. It appeared that the silence of their courtship had allowed a profound nonverbal connection to develop. It allowed the two partners who were more introverted to not have to explain themselves, or be drained by expectations from the other. It gave their relationship a certain freedom without having to speak all their thoughts and feelings to one another. I always found their relationship intriguing, and wonder if they are still together today.
Type Four — The Enneagram Institute
In some Five relationships, they even create a home with separate areas for each of them, and a place where they can meet in the middle for family activities. They can enjoy the family time more when they know they can also have time alone to recover. Double Fives do admit that the most challenging part of the relationship is the feeling of being ignored at times. They express that they never knew how painful the lack of communication could be until they wanted something from their partner, and their partner just silently withdrew.
Perhaps with this awareness, they may also interact with other important people in their lives differently. Their relationship may appear very subdued to others, but there can be a lot going on beneath the surface.
Type Five with the Type Six: Fives are naturally secretive which may trigger the Six to make accusations. Under attack, the Five will withdraw further to protect their privacy. Their silent treatment can be seen by the Six as aloof and uncaring, and even an admission of guilt to the Six. Fives respect people who can contain their feelings and it helps a lot if the Six can back off, and agree to a later time to discuss the situation.
Fives do need time to allow their real feelings to emerge. Type Five with Type Seven: The Epicure In the article on the Type Seven, I wrote about the positive attributes of this couple combination, and now I will share more of their challenges in relationship with one another. Both types are not comfortable with feelings. In essence, Fives simply detach from their emotions, and Sevens distract themselves from feeling. In sometimes leading separate lives, they can begin to live in separate worlds.
The Observer can retreat behind a wall of privacy at home, and the Epicure can be out in the world, and hardly ever home. Fives need to invest time and energy in the relationship, and Sevens need to develop a more single-minded concentration that is called for in a full commitment to the relationship.
Type Five with Type Eight: The Protector In the article on the Type Eight, I highlighted the strengths of this relationship, and now, I will address some of the challenges. Their styles of interacting and dealing with conflict are quite different.