7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship - The Good Men Project
Contributors to this sub are going through a divorce, have been through one, or are contemplating the decision. Some of us initiated our divorce. Many people wonder if their first serious relationship after divorce can actually last or if it's doomed to be a rebound while others just want to have some fun after . I'm in my early 40s and newly divorced after a year marriage. and my ex- husband was really my only relationship, so I have a lot to learn.
The emotional baggage from divorce is huge.Dating After Divorce For Men - 7 Transformational Tips!
The other person puts their kids ahead of the relationship. In my experience, I find a potential partner who has had kids they can be older or younger than mine is more likely to be accepting and accommodating of my relationship to my kids.
When my kids call, they come first.
Is this a transitional relationship?
At least at this point in my life, while they are still in school, and still very much under my influence. I have a deep respect for my role model as a dad, and as a man. I am showing both my daughter and my son how a man acts in the world. Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions.
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And always, my kids come first. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship. In meeting the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. BUT… this has to be carefully done.
I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children. At younger ages some of this behavior is acceptable. But as the child ages, and reaches the end of elementary school they should not need to be coddled or babied, because the other parent is trying to make up for some loss. The single parent cannot make up for the divorce.
But everyone survives and moves on. Both the kids and the parents need to return to healthy boundaries and healthy communication styles, so that everyone can grow up, and let go of the stigma and shame of the divorce. Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free 4.
Conversations about divorce, parenting, or relationships are not tense. How have they accepted their own responsibility for the divorce. Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger?
The best approach to the ex is to live and let be. Focus on the kids. Walking away from a marriage is hard work, and the way someone tells their divorce story is important.
Clarity of intention and honest expression of affection and desire. BUT, you might be wrong. I have been on quite a few dates where the woman had no idea what they wanted. Alcohol or tv are not constant sources of entertainment or escape. In moderation, as a celebration lifter, a few drinks on the weekend are no problem. I went on a few dates with a woman who professed an addiction to reality TV shows.
Was it because he reminded me of my ex? But it happened, the universe finally put us together, and for a brief period in my life it was pure magic. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have fallen from that complete and utter disaster that was my divorce into something that felt so perfect.
And he seemed just as excited as I was; it felt like the ideal love affair. But the cracks started to form almost immediately. I was deeply depressed, a depression that is almost too difficult to describe now. I couldn't sleep through the night, I had difficulty eating, I cried constantly, I suffered panic attacks, I had general anxiety, overwhelming fears dominated my thoughts, and my moods would turn on a dime.
I lost 20 pounds and dropped two dress sizes in a few months, had frequent asthma attacks, and was constantly sick; physically, and emotionally I was falling apart.
I also wasn't used to dating, I was used to being married. Dating is not anywhere near being married. I didn't know how to make the transition; I was suffocating, smothering and desperate for his affection. I will never know his motivations but I can't blame him for walking away from an obvious train wreck. He had his own problems as everyone does, and I was just a disaster of a human being. When it ended it felt like being dropped off an emotional cliff. I was already so damaged from my divorce and now my first attempt at love was an implosion of epic proportions.
For months I tormented myself over the whole affair, beating myself up for all of the mistakes I had made.
7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship
I tried to start another relationship only to have that blow up in my face almost the exact same way. I kept blaming myself -- what if I had waited? What if I had been healthier? Would either relationship have worked out differently? Eventually I convinced myself that it didn't matter. I would never know that alternate reality and life doesn't work with a reset button.
The damage was done; the trust was shattered on both sides and couldn't be repaired. Feelings were hurt, egos bruised, expectations destroyed and there was no way I could repair any of it. And I needed to move forward anyway as the whole affair was just collateral damage of my state of mind at the time. Being clinically depressed is not the best time to start a relationship. The real source of my anguish was my divorce, so either it would have been this one painful affair or a series of short meaningless flings, but the outcome would have been the same.
I was eventually going to hit rock-bottom.
After an agonizing eight-hour long anxiety attack and three days of very little sleep, I finally bottomed out, and then I got into therapy. I briefly went on antidepressants and little by little, month by month, the horrible twisted vice of depression released its grip and I began to have my mind back.
It took nearly two years from the day I left my marriage to finally feel like myself again. Friendships tarnished and other aspects of my personal and professional life have been negatively affected, but I try to live with a positive outlook and not look back.