Meet The Fockers Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Ben Stiller movie
This comes in handy when Mr. Jinx meets the Focker's tiny dog Moses, and proceeds to flush him down the Byrne's motor home commode. When Jack and Dina first meet Bernie Focker, his dog Moses runs up the cunning cat proceeds to flush the desperate dog down the toilet. Meet the Fockers, sometimes referred to as Meet the Parents 2, is a American comedy active dog, Moses, and the Byrnes's cat, Jinx, culminates with Jinx flushing Moses down the RV's toilet, forcing Bernie to destroy it to save Moses.
Greg and Jack's relationship is again put to the test when Greg is left alone to babysit Little Jack, whom Jack has been raising via the Ferber method. Despite Jack's strict instructions to leave Little Jack to self-soothe, Greg is unable to stand listening to Little Jack's cries and tends to the boy to cheer him up by hugging him, putting Elmo's World on TVand acting funny, but inadvertently teaches him the word "asshole. After a furious argument with the Fockers and his own family though amends are quickly madeJack resumes his spying on Greg and sends Greg and Jorge's hair samples for a DNA test, while inviting Jorge to the Fockers' planned engagement party in the hope of getting Greg to admit he is Jorge's father.
At the engagement party, Jack, who automatically assumes that Greg knew about Jorge and has deliberately been keeping him a secret from Pam, introduces Greg to Jorge. Later, when Greg denies knowing anything about Jorge, Jack still refuses to believe him and drugs him with truth serum to make him talk.
On stage, Greg uncontrollably blurts out that Pam is pregnant and that Jorge is his son in a Darth Vader -esqe matter before immediately losing consciousness. The next morning, Pam questions Greg about Jorge, and Greg does not confirm or deny that he is Jorge's father, but insists that he knew nothing about him before the previous evening.
Pam believes him, and is willing to work things out with him. Jack reaches his breaking point with Greg's dishonesty and demands that Pam and Dina leave the island with him. Dina refuses and reveals Jack's actions to everyone.
Extremely good trial lawyer. A regular Clarence Darrow. So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job?
Meet the Fockers -
Honey, come on, you could say he had the hardest job. Oh, he's-- he's just kidding. Why don't we jump into the topic of the hour, hmm, the big Focker-Byrnes wedding. I know we've been talking about a-- a fall wedding Our former housekeeper, Isabel. You know, she has her own catering business now, isn't that great? And-- and I asked her to come and help Bernie in the kitchen this weekend.
You didn't tell me she was here. Gay had a monster crush on her when he was a teenager. I didn't have any monster crush. You didn't tell me about that. Because it's not true. Then I didn't catch you doing baziga to her passport photo when you were, what,?
I walk in the door Oh, there's my baby! I-- I haven't seen you in years. I had a boob job. This is, uh, Dina and Jack Byrnes. Nice to meet you, too. Not yet married, and already a little one? And he is a handsome little Focker. He's not a Focker. And still you stayed to raise her child? No, he's Pam's nephew. He has no connection to Greg whatsoever. I love you, too. Those aren't for you. I think I'll take him inside.
You're a very lucky woman, Pam. He's very special, this one. I think so, too. Oh, I could tell you some stories about him. Oh, she's just being silly. Nice to meet you all. Nice to meet you.
Hey, do you guys want some more, uh, wine? Mas vino por la mama, si. Hey, you did good, Greg. She's very pretty, this one, huh? Yeah, she's, uh, she's really great. Can you believe it's been years? So many wonderful memories from those days. Yes, lot of wonderful, kind of private memories. Um, no, I don't think I did. I don't, I think, I don't think it ever came up on my end. Not that I didn't want her to know. It just, never really Yeah, and not that, I-- I mean, not that it wasn't great.
It was really, you know, for me it was like And you were so helpful and-- and-- Don't you worry, baby. Your secret's safe with me. But, good, yeah, maybe if we keep it quiet this weekend and then Because, yeah, I don't want Pam to feel uncomfortable. And then later, when it's the proper, you know, setting, I can Okay, yeah, okay, good. Oh, and fondue, fondue is going-- is goin' over. Gay, you're just in time to hear me tell the gang how you lost your virginity to Isabel.
You s-slept with Isabel? Why-- why would you, why-- why would you bring that up? It was, what, years ago. Honey, your father thought that it'd be fun to share stories about our first time.
That sounds like fun. Come on, tell us how you popped your cherry. I really don't feel comfortable discussing that with you, Bernard.
I suggest that we get back to talking about the wedding. Mom, didn't you just take Little Jack back to the room? I'm monitoring him from a high-powered multidirectional microphone planted in his crib. Whatever happened to a little thing called privacy? Bernie, surveillance technology has helped protect a lot of the freedoms that we as Americans take advantage of today. It has been good.
S- son, that is bullcrap in a chef's salad. The Central Lack of Intelligence Agency. I think that baby might need a couple of pulls on that knocker of yours, Jack. You let him cry it out. This way he doesn't depend on coddling. On the other hand, the Continuum Concept shows that a baby benefits more from constant physical contact. We use the Ferber Method. We used the Focker Method. We hugged and kissed that little prince like there was no tomorrow. Greggy practically slept in our bed till he was.
Oh, I don't think it was quite that long. Mom, I don't think so. I didn't sleep in their bed all that time. Bernie, get the photo album. I'm one step ahead of you.
No, no, no, we're eating dinner, come on. These are the curls from his first trip to the barbershop. Nobody wants to see this. Oh, and you kept all of his baby teeth. Look at his darling little teeth, isn't that sweet? Uh-oh, somebody looks very grumpy there.
Oh, that's Gay with the mohel. He's the man who snips the baby's little winkydink. See, that's Greg getting circumcised, right here. We had the ceremony at my parents' house but there was a cold snap and The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greg's tiny little turtle from its shell.
Let's not talk about the tiny turtle, okay? Honey, half the people at this table have penises. Make a long story short, Jack, he wound up with a semicirc. I can't wait to hear this. It's a cross between an ant eater and-- A German Army helmet. You wanted to talk about the wedding, right? Don't tell me you kept his umbilical cord. Of course not, that's Greg's foreskin. All right, you know what? That's-- that's enough humiliation.Mr. Jinx
No, I'm not having fun. Why deny us our memories? Anyone in the mood for Chinese? You told me your first time was with the Danish transfer student in high school.
Yeah, well, you weren't exactly forthcoming about your engagement with Kevin. Yeah, well, he wasn't my babysitter. Okay, I should have told you, all right. Can we just let it go, please?
We both got enough stuff to deal with this weekend. How do you mean? I know that you are studying my family like the frozen caveman. So, I just, I don't want you to be worried, okay? I mean, they're a little quirky, but they-they're well-intentioned and-- and I think they're just nervous and Greg, I am sure tomorrow will be a better day.
I thought you ordered room service. Are you sure you don't want any whipped cream with your sundae? I'm Chad, the bellhop. Oh, no, come on, we did that last week. Can't you be Sam the carpet-cleaning man? Why would a carpet cleaner have whipped cream? I'm here to clean your carpet. Do you mind if I put some foam down on your rug? I don't mind at all. Okay, sleep well, Jack. How long-- how long have you worked in this hotel? It's time to put some snow on your mountains. Come on, I'm gonna get some whipped cream on those Tetons.
Come back in the morning, tootsie roll. Gay, you see the cowboy hat on the door? Cowboy hat is off the door! No cowboy hat this weekend! Just stop doing what you're doing! Come on, man, you know what that cowboy hat on the door means. Will you please help me out here? We're just being ourselves.
I think he's saying not to be ourselves. Yes, be yourselves but be yourself in a way that's a little less than being your full selves, okay.
I don't understand this. I mean, why you're so afraid of this Jack? You've been kissing his ass ever since you got here. Mom, I'm not afraid of him, okay. I can't believe you went duck-hunting with him.
Our people don't shoot ducks. Just make Jack feel a little more comfortable here, okay? So you don't want us to be ourselves? No, I just don't want you to break his RV, Dad, and-- and-- and reveal that I had sex with Isabel and play weird sex games that everybody can hear in the house. If you ask me, it wouldn't be so bad if your future in-laws heard this. Do me a favour. Just don't therapize the Byrneses this weekend at all, okay? All I'm saying is, a few minutes of concentrated work with him and Dina, she could get him to blow like Krakatoa.
Right, okay, yeah, you know what? One day, just give me one day, okay, without any complications. We get through it, everybody goes off, we go on with our lives.
- Meet the Fockers (2004)
Can we do that? You got it, dude. Hon, put the hat back on the door, okay? No cowboy hat this weekend. Okay, but tonight doesn't count. I slept all right, thank you. It's nice, all of us being here together, don't you think? Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy? Bernie, this fritatta is wonderful. Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet.
I've never washed it. Hey, guys, can I have everybody's attention, please? Gay, be back in a second. Mom, I know we've been-- we've been talking about having the, uh, wedding in October, but Pam and I have been doing a little thinkin' and playing around with some ideas and, uh, we're thinking of moving it up to June.
That's-- that's in a month. I always wanted a spring wedding, you know. Well, that's great, so we can announce it at the party tonight.
Oh, your father and I are throwing a little engagement soiree for you two lovebirds.
I thought we were just having a nice quiet dinner. It was supposed to be a surprise. The phone keeps ringing, the list keeps growing. Yeah, now, it's up to Fockers.
When were you going to tell us about this? What could be better? Dad, what are you doing? We never play football. I'm trying to cement relationships here. Jack said he was into footy ball. Let's show EI Stiffo how we play the game. Come on, come on, let's play! I'm feeling a little tired. I think I'll sit it out with Little Jack, okay? Honey, you want me to keep you company? No, Dina, come on, you and I will take on Jack and Roz.
Come on, Jack, it'll be fun, we'll swap wives. Don't worry, you'll get her back after the game. Fine, we'll play three on two. But someone needs to be official quarterback. Gay goes both ways. I'll bet he does.
I'll run a down-and-in, draw in the defence, then you'll hit Roz here in the end zone for a TD. What do you mean? He hits me where with a what? I'll throw you the ball, you try to catch it, okay. You want me to catch? Hut one, hut two, hike! Come on, this way! That way, that way, that way. You remember that time in the park? Guys, come on, come on, cut it out.
I'm so proud of you. I caught the ball. I caught the ball! Come on, huddle up. Dina, come on, let's go. You want a spritzer?
All right, come on. Dad, you got to focus, all right? He's beating you down the field every time. You want me to be macho-wacho? Have I ever said the words macho-wacho to you in my life?
I won't disappoint you. Okay, let's try again, I'm gonna run a stop and go. Fake the short pass, then hit me here in the end zone with a Hail Mary. Yeah, we keep running that play. You want to mix it up a little? I've exposed Bernie's weakness and I want to take advantage of it. Just you and me, Jack. You think you can take me, Flowerman? I'm pretty sure I can, Mr. You're going down, Bernsie-boy. I'm going to rearrange your bouquet. Sell the pump fake, Greg, 'cause that Focker's gonna bite.
Hut one, hut two, hut three, hut four. Are you all right? Hey, Jack, you okay? I'm fine, Greg, thank you. I see that kind of injury all the time at the hospital. I wish you'd let me give you a quick exam. No, I'm, I'm fine. I told you I'll have my doctor look at it when I get home. You know, it's amazing how your father anticipated the pump fake like that. It's almost like he knew it was coming.
Well, he definitely takes competition seriously. How a man handles himself on the football field says a lot about his character.
Know what I mean? We got him, didn't we, dude, huh? No, Dad, he wasn't. That was a really hard shot. You could've hurt him. I just wanted it to be a fun game but you wanted to win, so, you know, you got me all steamed up. No, I asked you to play a little defence, I didn't ask you to turn it into a blood sport.
I play too easy. I play too hard. What are you really asking me to do, Gaylord? I'm not asking anything of you, Dad. Just-- just go down there and apologize to him, okay? He thinks it was a cheap shot. I can't win with this kid. So, how far along is Pam? Come on, honey, I knew it the minute I saw her. Her boobs are bigger. No wine at dinner, no football. She just found out yesterday. My bubeleh's going to have a baby! My bubeleh's going to be a father! Tell me, talk to me, so this is so exciting.
You didn't tell Dad, did you? No, no, Mom, you can't tell him. Because he can't keep a secret.
You think Jack knows? That guy's in such denial, he still thinks his daughter is still a virgin. Yeah, I know, he's very old-fashioned. That's why Pam can't tell him till after the wedding. Mom, it isn't, believe me. You don't know him like I do. My lips are sealed. I am so excited and thrilled for you. So happy for you two! Did you plan this? Uh, no, it just sort of happened. How did it happen? You know-- you know how it happens.
I mean, I'm not going into the details. Honey, I love details. Well, you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level. Mom, I am truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been saying it since I was. What say you and me go into town? I got a guy who can fix your RV. I'm in far too much physical agony, Bernie.
Gee, I'm sorry, but it'll be good for you, you know, to, you know, to get out and about. I can take the girls shopping in Coconut Grove. Little Jack is on a very specific napping schedule. I better stay here. Greg can watch him. He has wonderful parental instincts. Dad, Greg deals with little kids in the ER all the time. They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing. Why would someone call you Barry Poppins? Now, remember, Greg, we're Ferberizing him.
So unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances should you pick him up or coddle him in any way when he cries. He's learning to self-soothe, that means no television, no unapproved toys, and most of all, no monkey business of any kind. Shall we get a move on, pal-o-mino? I love this, Roz. This is a great find. Oh, good, and it's loose, so you can wear it even if you gain a few pounds. Honey, are you all right? You look a little flushed. And I have news for you.
Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do. Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
The Little Jack in me? Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no. Would you spare my the drugstore psychology? I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second, I came back in, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship She's hot - check out those boobs.
I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and I could take a vacation in there.
Gosh, sorry for you being perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'ma looking, and I'm-a LIKIN Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down. No, no, no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.