A Better Way to Break-Up: 20 Ways to Leave Your Lover | Goop
Breaking up is hard to do—especially when it involves moving out, As of late, more and more people in relationships are finding themselves cohabitating. “If you know that [this] is someone you no longer want to be with. Here are 8 empowering insights to help you decide if you should break up or make I believe that often people even stay in bad relationships longer than they . best possible self was not only what long-term happily-ever-after love was all. Ending a long-term relationship involves heartbreak. It is up to you to minimize the damage as much as you can, making a clean break from your partner.
Are too frightened to actually face their own unhappiness and take responsibility for it. Want to punish their partner emotionally for what they have experienced as coldness, distance, or waning desire. Are addicted to novelty and idealization at any cost. Are unable to face the material consequences or insecurities of their decision to leave. Blame their partner for their lack of success or dissatisfaction with their own life.
Any of the choose-your-own-adventures above indicate that there is a lot of pain between lovers that has not been addressed in an appropriate way, and that a lot of collateral emotional damage could be spared if people felt good enough about themselves, and had the correct tools, to deal with immense fear, insecurity, and emptiness.
It takes tremendous courage to actually face relationship despair head on. Instead people bolt, cheat, lie, withdraw, get addicted to things, or trash the whole thing with an abrupt cut-off and hostile attack listing every imagined resentment and flaw.
What I learned in the year after breaking up my long-term relationship
Rarely do people face each other and discuss the dying elephant in the room. To do so would be to take an honest look at the demise of the dream, the failing of the promises, and the personal sense of inadequacy and hopelessness that intimate relationship endings bring. If we are to truly absorb and assimilate the grief of a coming ending—in its raw and undistracted state—we actually need to confront our own shortcomings.
Both parties need to look at their parts in the deterioration of the connection and the many personal patterns or flaws that contributed to the dying of attraction and affection. This is the psychological work of warriors, quite frankly, and many folks just do not have the inner muscles or resolve, or outside resources to flex that deeply.
However, if we could all agree that it is in the best interest of ourselves, and our communities, to get into some serious intimacy shape, we could begin to deal with the reality and the sorrow of relationships that are fizzling out, and do so with dignity, maturity, and kindness. We could support one another to take regular inventory of the health of our love relationships and not go into cruise control or denial about intimacy erosion.
Once we start hearing the whisper of the death rattle through long periods of emotional disconnection, avoidance of sex, constant bickering or fighting, increasing times apart, and a vapid joylessness, we can roll up our sleeves and wrestle these emotional demons.
If all efforts fail to revive the romance and quality of connection, then everyone can feel more empowered to move forward. Below, 20 ways to leave your lover with love and respect.
Take full responsibility for your part in the ending, as in: Speak highly of your soon-to-be ex, because what you say about them actually reflects a great deal about you.
Spend a good deal of time reflecting on how you got into the intimacy bog and what you could have done differently. Give your soon-to-be ex a lot of space to be upset and remove yourself immediately from any conversations that are hateful or abusive. Pay off all debts and split things up fairly. Seek professional help to mediate finality if you are too frightened and find yourself backing off from your firm decision. Refrain from clingy sex and keep appropriate new boundaries to avoid confusion and undue stalling.
Be kind to all of your mutual friends, as well as the friends of your partner. There are no sides. How to end a long term relationship: Hopefully, you'll also have read my article When to break up your relationship. This means that come what may, you're mentally prepared to stay calm and polite. Act in the way you'd have wanted your partner to behave if they were the one breaking up with you - however difficult your partner may make it for you.
I promise you, if you need to engage a solicitor, that second step will help keep your costs down. You won't be creating another layer of conflict on top of the one you're already dealing with. For help choosing the right lawyer see my article: How to Find a Lawyer Even if splitting up is unlikely to be amicable for whatever reasonyou may just manage a reasonable ending.
You'll feel better for it and it may also help your partner to get over the ending sooner I hope that still matters to you, if only a little. If you have children, the whole drama will be so much more manageable for them if the two of you can at the very least talk politely. Do all you can to stay as calm as possible.
How to end a relationship confidently, gracefully and effectively
Stay in touch with family and friends and take time out for yourself to help you relax. How to end a relationship without causing unnecessary pain and bitterness It's very easy to make an already difficult situation even more unmanageable by doing any of the following: Putting the ending off when you really know you want to leave the relationship - sadly it just isn't going to be any easier a month or a year later.
It's unlikely that there's ever going to be a 'good' time for this type of ending. Of course, there could be a really bad time - for example in the middle of a major crisis. Try to calmly think through why exactly you've been putting it off and take a problem-solving approach to each reason or 'excuse' you come up with. Deliberately making life miserable and as difficult as possible in the hope that your partner says he or she no longer loves you and wants to end the relationship.
This would only add another layer of problems and stress on top of what you're dealing with already. Ending a long term relationship this way would leave you both with a very bitter taste in your mouth. Starting an affair The pain this causes should not be underestimated. Again, it just adds more problems and distress. Ultimately your adultery could cause a great deal of trauma to all involved - not just your partner.
If you want to be able to end your relationship as well as you can, then you'll need to end the affair - at least until you've dealt with the ending of your marriage or relationship See my article: Avoiding any conversation about the problems in your relationship or marriage may result in your partner making assumptions.
He or she will be desperately trying to figure out what's going on. You could be suspected of having an affaireven if there is no infidelity. Of course, if you are having an affair, I can understand you won't want to talk.
However, you're only prolonging the agony if deep down you know you want to finish your primary relationship. Packing your bags and disappearing No further explanation is needed here.
Holding on to anger and resentment costs too much precious energy When and how not to end a long-term relationship Avoid causing more hassle, pain and a potentially longer lasting and more expensive process.
Take heed of the following advice I may earn a commission from BetterHelp at no extra cost to you.
Don't end a relationship during a telephone conversation. Don't leave a voicemail with either a hint or a clear message about ending. Don't let someone else do the dirty job for you. Don't deliver the message in a public place.
Ending a relationship in a public place should only be an option if you're worried about abuse see my article: Signs of an abusive relationship Don't tell friends, family members or colleagues you're ending your relationship or marriage before you tell your partner or spouse that it's over. Don't end the relationship during a row - your partner may actually be pleased - it may be what she or he was hoping for!
Don't write it online in any shape or form - email, Facebook status update or any other way. Don't give any kind of ultimatum. Breaking up an intimate relationship is never going to be easy. So I'm afraid there's no point thinking you can 'just do it' without causing any pain. I'd always advise getting some professional help.
It's so easy now to set up a session with an online licensed therapist. It matters not what time it is or what device you're using. I'm guessing you've already had experience of endings before though How to end a relationship when you've experienced badly handled endings in the past We experience all kinds of endings in a life-time that happen to all people breaking up of couple relationships the death of loved ones endings caused by moves for whatever reason change of jobs the ends of friendships and so on.
You may have lost a grandparent or pet as a child. Or you may have suffered a family breakup with all the losses that entailed. Your previous experience of endings can become a template for those that follow. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are based on what happened to you before. Therefore, I'm really chuffed that you're taking the time and trouble to find out how best to end your relationship.