The One Thing You Must Remember When Breaking Up With A Narcissist | Thought Catalog
Getting over a failed relationship or going through a divorce is always hard, but when a narcissist is in the mix, the process is always more difficult. Breakups with narcissists, no matter how you define them, don't end well. of subsequent emotional damage to the partner of the narcissist, and no closure. For a narcissist, once you enter into the relationship, it never ends. Closure is a healthy part of ending a relationship. You each get to say your peace . You both apologise for any unintentional and/or intentional.
They need to really know that they are significant. And the best way to do this is often by building someone up to the highest level, and then knocking them down as hard as they can. They want to hear how hurt you are.
They want to hear you crying and begging and pleading for them to stay or how crushed you are. They want to hear how much you loved them with every ounce of your being, and now you are left to pick up the pieces while they move on.
A normal person would feel some guilt and sadness about this, but a Narcissist feels elation. They suck the life out of their victims, and then toss them away. After all, your head is probably spinning from just how crazy things happened.
One moment you were in love, and the next they left for someone else. You want them to know that they devastated you. You want them to feel bad or guilt. You want to hear some sort of reaction out of them. They wanted you to suffer, and then they wanted to hear all about it. So how do I get closure? The good news is that they did you a huge favor by ending the relationship.
How to get closure after a relationship with a Narcissist – Thrive After Abuse
Believe it or not, you are one of the lucky ones. Join a support group. I would never attract, or be attracted to, someone this disturbed again. She came running outside before my cab pulled up. She was already in the market for her next conquest. I stared at her in disbelief through my tears. I knew that was the last time I would ever set foot in her house.
She gave one last big hug, handed me a tissue to dry my tears and put me in the cab. It never occurred to her that her behavior was abnormal. In her world, my part in her little play had ended. I was merely an extra who was no longer needed on the scene.
She called and emailed for three days. I refused to respond. What disturbed me the most was the fact that she actually thought I would return to spend time with her after my private, and public, humiliation.
We continued to stay sporadically in touch after the nightmarish party scene. She kept trying to explain behavior that was unexplainable. I still harbored a slim hope that she would somehow miraculously change into a caring, compassionate person. I spend a lot of time during our relationship hoping that would happen.
However, waiting for someone to change is a sure sign of danger. As time went on, I noticed that she was repeating the same sad excuses over and over in her emails. I finally realized that she was never truly sorry to begin with and that she would never be sorry. I finally had to accept the truth. The refusal to let go of the emotional connection was part of my own emotional fixation. I had the choice to walk away.
I continued to hang on despite all evidence that I was better off shutting her out and moving on. I wish I could say it ended there, but with a pathological narcissist it never ends right away — they like to leave a trail, and an opening, in case they need you in the future. Our communication continued off and on for a year, before I discovered that she was actually in a couple of relationships with other people while she was still communicating with me. So I would get emails about getting back together some day, while she was sleeping with other people.
The reality of her manipulation finally set me free. I ended communication with her completely. Patching up the holes became my primary concern over the following year.
At long last, taking care of me became my priority. There were places in my psyche that needed healing, and the toxic relationship brought my most painful issues right up to the surface where they could get some air. I was able see what I was doing to myself by allowing such toxicity into my life. Sometimes, Contact Helps You See What You Need to See The constant email and Facebook reminders that she really believed her aberrant behavior was out of character, and that she really believed herself to be a kind, caring soul became tiresome after awhile.
I was listening to the same prepared speech over and over.
Toxic Relationships: Recovering From a Narcissist
While no contact is ultimately the way to go…for some of us staying in contact almost builds our emotional immunity. The more you hear, the less you want to hear as time goes on.
In my case, by the time I cut off contact it was just a relief. There was no longer sadness about the loss.
The speeches are designed around the same themes and each narcissist has their own special theme based around their unique brand of delusion and insanity: In those homes the parent and their issues come first. The spouse of the damaged parent spends a lot of time worrying and trying to change their spouse.
With everyone putting the narcissistic parent first, there is little energy left over for the children. There is little positive emotional energy in homes like these. What is being modeled in these families are unhealthy, unsafe relationships.
The children suffer the most, because the scars from childhood repeat for them in adulthood through an attraction to abusive relationships. It is impossible for an adult child of an addict, or narcissist, to enter adulthood without serious emotional problems, including codependence. The pathological narcissist thrives on a steady diet of adults who have trouble believing they deserve to be treated well.
The right book can set you free I woke up to my own emotional problems when I read the wonderful book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. The book made everything clear in an instant. Through real life stories and the gentle narration of the author - I finally understood my magnetic attraction to self-absorbed, Narcissistic people.
I feel right at home with them for a reason, and I don't want to give away the insights of the book here. It's better to just read and absorb Ms. Gibson's wisdom and clinical expertise.
I can tell you it helped me identify my own childhood wound, and awareness leads to mindfulness which leads to healthier choices.
The book has tremendous value for anyone who's grown-up with troubled, self absorbed parents and the impact it has had on the lack of quality in their friendships and romantic relationships. The relationship with a malignant narcissist forced me to face the real issue: